Relationships are the most important part of life, yet they are the hardest to deal with.
How family, friends and romantic partner can build or destroy your life.
In Southern Africa, the Zulu Kingdom rose to power. By the 19th century its expansion was so extreme that it forced some of the tribes to flee Zululand. Zwangendaba led the Ngoni people out of Zululand.
He took his people to Lake Tanganyika. This lake borders Tanzania, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Burundi, and Zambia. Zwangendaba allowed his people to form their own territories across these regions. One such group went to the village of Peramiho in Songea, southern Tanzania.
Among the people who moved to Peramiho were a man named Mphami Chitingili and his brother. They fell in love with local women and got married. They formed strong bonds with friends and colleagues while raising their families.
Once they had settled there, a new development occurred. Missionaries from Germany set up camp there and began their work.
Father Cassian Spiss founded Peramiho Abbey on 31 July 1898. He came from the Missionary Benedictines of St. Ottilien and had arrived in East Africa in 1888. By 1910, the German colonial administration had taken military control of Peramiho. This military presence also strengthened the presence of German missionaries.
Those who resisted were either killed or forced to embrace German culture. Mphami was among the few who fled the village to escape this influence. After he left the missionaries’ area, he entered a Muslim community and adapted to it.
The rest of the population fell under German army control. Then, they joined the missionary society. This included Mphami’s brother, who became a Christian.
By the mid-1900s, Mphami’s family grew to ten children, thirty grandchildren, seventy great-grandchildren, and many great-great-grandchildren. Mphami’s brother had a family of similar size.
My mother was among the hundreds of great-great-granddaughters of Mphami Chitingili. It took a complex series of events to bring me to life.
And that’s one leg of my family tree; we can’t go deeper into my father’s side. In the process of understanding myself, I had to understand everyone I am related to. Beyond my siblings, I have fallen in love many times, started establishing my own family, and built a network of friends and colleagues.
It is the same path that Mphami Chitingili went through and the same path that everyone goes through.
In our lifetimes, we will find ourselves in many relationships. We are part of a certain family, and we will fall in love or start families of our own. Throughout this journey, we also gain both relatives and friends.
We can all agree that relationships are the most important and yet the hardest things in life. We need people to live well, but people are also the source of some of our deepest pain.
But relationships are different. They involve another human being with needs, wounds, expectations, egos, memories, and freedoms. This makes them life’s most meaningful yet difficult part.
People in our lives can be our biggest blessings or burdens. Here’s how to view family, friends, work, and love without being naïve or bitter. Let’s explore the idea that the most important things in life come in threes. Here are the three pillars of relationships:
Family, Friends and Romance
1. Family
Family can be influential since it’s often where we first learn about relationships.
Mphami’s story began with his family. I don’t know what happened to his father or his other siblings in Zululand. He migrated with his brother. I had no choice in being part of his bloodline through my mother.
Every one of us never had a say in the family they were born into. Yet families build the foundation for everything that comes into our lives.
We see the world through the lens of family in three ways:
We first learn and absorb key life beliefs, such as religion, political views, money, and values. All family members from Mphami became Muslims. He embraced the faith and raised them in that way. All family members who came from Mphami’s brother ended up being Christians.
I was born to parents of different religions: my mother a Muslim and my father a Christian. My lens on the world is not the same as those born to two Christian or two Muslim parents.
Cultural backgrounds shape this view. People raised outside of Islam or Christianity see the world through different traditions. Before adopting new faiths, Mphami and his brother followed traditional Zulu beliefs typical in Zululand families.
Most of us follow the religions our families taught us, and these beliefs often stay with us for life. This can lead us to judge those who do not share our religion and support those who share our faith.
The same goes for politics. If your family liked a political party or idea, you’re more likely to stick with it for life.
If you come from a wealthy family, you have a different perspective on money. You may believe that people can use money to do good in society. You probably have skills, experience, and knowledge about getting, managing, and growing money.
If you grew up in a family with money issues, you might think most rich people are evil. You believe money is the root of all evil. So, you probably lack the skills and experience to find, keep, and grow money. You are in a rat race.
If you grew up in a broken family or an unhappy home, you’re likely to create a similar situation later. You don’t view family and its values like those raised in strong households. Such people often prioritise family over individual needs.
You can’t change your family’s religion, politics, values, or financial habits. However, you can act now. First, pause and think about the values and beliefs you learned from your family. Consider how these shape your life today.
Look for values in other people and their families that inspire you. Start bringing those values into your own life. It is not too late. If you won’t do that, you are going to replicate the family you came from.
Second, our families affect us by placing expectations shaped by their history and dramas. Everyone with whom you share a surname has something to say about your life.
Many of us carry burdens without stopping to ask why we carry them. We don’t look at these family pressures. Instead, we just keep pushing on, carrying their weight.
I have an aunt who always asks me when I’ll get married. Meanwhile, her daughter got divorced in under five years. Yet she feels entitled to tell me how to live my life.
I have a distant cousin. He thinks I should help him find a job and support his unexpected kids just because we share the same last name. I have siblings who are tough to handle. They expect my patience just because someone said, “blood is thicker than water.”
We all carry these burdens through our entire lives. But to lead a good life, we need to pause and unload them. We must choose wisely which burdens and expectations to keep and which to let go.
You need to set boundaries with everyone in your family and clan. It’s your life, so you can say no to anyone. This includes your parents or even that distant aunt. You may barely know her, yet her expectations still weigh on you.
Families don’t pressure, expect, or demand anything from a member who isn’t doing much. They only demand these things because there is something going on in your life. The moment it stops, you lose your status in their eyes.
We all know family members who aren’t invited to events. They don’t get priority and aren’t asked about anything. If you don’t pause and unload your burdens, one day you will have nothing, and you will have no standing in the family.
The best way to deal with family and relatives is to be intentional.
Be intentional with the time, resources and energy you give them. Do not deal with them just because they are family members, sharing the blood. Deal with them because they are nice people who care about you, and you care about them. You enjoy being together.
Stop keeping horrible people around just because you share a surname.
2. Friends and colleagues
My first memory of friends is Ibrahim, Robert and Elisha in nursery school. I remember some of the mischievous things we used to do during lunch breaks. We later joined St Joseph’s Primary School together. Our days were filled with football and the early twists of teenage relationships.
I have met many friends at different stages of life, from primary school and university to various workplaces. Others I found through street football, shared hobbies, or online communities.
And I lost a lot of friends in life, too. I lost touch with friends as soon as we finished school or university. I lost connection with most of those I worked with. I lost friends I made because we were just living nearby, and I moved or they moved. I lost some to death.
Different friends at different stages of life shaped who I am. Some instilled good habits in me, inspiration, wisdom and adventure. Others were the primary influence behind the bad habits I adopted.
We all collect different friends at different stages of life. Friendships are special relationships because they are the family that we choose. However, they are also a family we can let go of more easily than our biological kin when our paths diverge.
Research shows that everyone, at any age, has only a few true friends. These are people who will be there when you need them, celebrate your wins and feel the pain of your losses.
It is important to identify your few friends and make an effort to be a good friend to them. Whoever said you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with was right.
Most of the people we work with are not our friends;they are our colleagues. If they find themselves in a position to choose between you and their work, they will choose work. And you will do the same. Stop seeking friendships among colleagues.
Maintaining a friendship requires you to be intentional. You need to check on each other from time to time. You need to spend some time together, physically if you can. You need to be there for them on their highs and lows.
If you think you are the special one in a friendship, others will feel it. And they will slowly detach from you. No one wants to be a supporting actor in your selfish life story.
True friends don’t care if you are rich or poor. They don’t care if you have a high position or low. They don’t care if you are famous or not. They don’t care if you are good looking or not. They will treat you the same and be honest with you. And you are should do the same.
As you grow older, it’s even harder to make good and genuine friends. Learn to hold on to the friendships you have built when growing up. It’s hard to replace long-time friends.
3. Romantic relationships
The first time I felt attracted to a person who was neither family nor a friend was around the age of twelve. There was this girl who transferred to our primary school. I found myself uneasy in her presence.
When she was around I found myself speechless. I realized I got more shy, more quiet and different. I usually engaged in conversation, shared jokes, played pranks, and enjoyed playful activities. Around her all that went away. I also realized I was giving her anything she asked for: my books, my notes, my pens and even my food sometimes.
At the time, I didn’t know what love was, so I felt it was just a deeper version of a normal friendship. When we finished primary school and went our separate ways without me confessing my feelings, I realised that was my first love.
Years have passed now; I have had that feeling more than four times. I learned you can love someone, and want to be with them all the time. I also learned you can love someone and want nothing to do with them.
People fall in love for different reasons. Some feel unexplainable butterflies in their stomach around someone. Some are attracted to how people look. For some, it’s because these people make them feel special. For others, it’s because they have spent so much time with them that they get attached.
Romantic relationships are about more than falling in love. People get into romantic relationships for different reasons. Some do so because of love, obviously. For some, it is out of circumstance. Others enter them because family or society arranged it.
In my life, I’ve learned that how you start a romantic relationship doesn’t matter. What really counts is who you are with and how you act within it. That’s what makes it last or fade away in a short time.
Two people build a romantic relationship. The less interference from others—including family, friends, and colleagues—the better.
If the two people in a relationship lack common ground, their bond is weak.
My approach to romantic relationships can be summarised in three points:
The first point is accepting the other person. Your partner has built beliefs, behaviours, and habits over many years. They learned from family, relatives, neighbours, friends, school, work, and places of worship.
That means they are not seeing the world as you do. They are never going to be like you. There is nothing wrong with the other person being different. You can see six and they see nine in the same situation, and you might both be right.
Accepting your partner’s differences will help you appreciate them and love them for who they are. Failing to do so is fuel for unnecessary arguing, drama and suffering.
Second, every partner has to learn how to communicate with each other. Everything in life goes back to communication. Countries go to war due to poor communication. , and countries form alliances due to good communication.
Good communication brings peace to romantic partners, but poor communication leads to conflict. Knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to say it is crucial. This helps the other person feel respected, loved, and cared for.
When voices rise, disrespectful words are thrown around, and stonewalling happens, no good comes of it.
Third is, romantic relationships are not there to complete anyone. This is perhaps the most important point. You don’t go into a relationship broken and expect your partner to complete or fix you. Nor are you perfect enough to fix your partner or complete them.
Phrases like “happy wife, happy life” are just lies. You need a happy person to make a happy life. If the husband is not happy, there is nothing he can offer his wife to make her happy. An unhappy husband trying to make a wife happy is a recipe for disaster.
Focus on personal growth. When you’re content and satisfied, you’ll be ready to support others. This creates a positive atmosphere that others will appreciate in return.
You can’t help a drowning person if you can’t swim. Learn to be happy on your own, and you will create an environment for happiness with your partner. Learn to be strong within yourself, and you will add strength to your partner. Learn to love yourself, and you will truly love your partner.
But all these points will mean nothing if you select the wrong partner. Invest your time, skills and energy in finding the right partner for you. The right one for you might not be the right person for your family, friends, pastor, sheikh or anyone else.
Be honest with yourself. You have an entire lifetime to spend with your partner.
Now that we’ve explored family, friends, and romantic relationships, we can say that:
Human beings are relational by nature. No one becomes a person alone. Family shapes us first. Friends refine us. Love exposes us. Colleagues test us. Society reveals what is in us.
The beauty of relationships is also what makes them difficult. Relationships matter because they are alive. They change. They demand forgiveness, patience, communication, sacrifice, and maturity.
Most relationship pain is not caused by hatred, but by immaturity. People hurt each other because of pride, selfishness, bad communication, insecurity, past wounds, and unrealistic expectations.
A good life is not built by avoiding relationship difficulty, but by learning how to handle it well. The goal is not perfect relationships. The goal is wise, honest, humane relationships.
Other people are not extensions of us. They think, heal, and love differently from we do. Caring deeply for someone means your life isn’t just about you anymore. Relationships reveal more than just who others are. They show us who we are under stress, disappointment, longing, and conflict.
I began my journey long before Mphami Chitingili from Zulu land in South Africa, and now I’m here with you. You might be reading this as a family member, friend, colleague, neighbour, lover, ex-lover, or someone we met online.
Each of you forms one of the bases of my life, relationships. I do my best to be intentional by being the best version of myself, so I can bring the best of me to you.
As the next part of this series also comes in three, we will discuss health. We will explore the body, mind, and spirit. We will look into how poor health can deeply diminish your quality of life and limit your potential.
Until then,
Think Deeply, Live Deliberately.
Watushule